so i haven't been ignoring this journal on purpose - i almost updated for melissa's birthday. really! it was going to be an entry about how, according to my dad, they have found clay pots from thousands of years ago that inadvertently store audio records. they have recordings of the grooves of these pots being played with a CD laser or something, and while you can't understand what the voices are saying or what language they're speaking, you can tell they're human. it's mind-blowing - a voice recording of humans from thousands of years ago, captured unwittingly and unknowingly by a rotating pot wheel and a sharp stylus?!? i thought melissa would appreciate it as a birthday post. unfortunately, while looking for a website with the recordings, i found a lot of websites that said this whole story was actually a belgian news station's april fools joke. and so i haven't updated until today.
[just a warning...i didn't try to make this interesting. don't bother reading it, it is almost entirely for me and my memory.]
but i figured today was a good day to document. i was very proud of my friends who made the trek to washington to be part of the crowd, and i was very proud of the so many other people all over the country that found TVs and computers and radios to be part of the moment. my story was this: i hadn't heard anything about inauguration-watching at all, so this morning i packed my headphones in my bag in case there wasn't going to be a group watching and i would need to watch on my internet. around 11:10, though, a woman came by my cube asking linda (the woman who sits behind me) and beth (the woman who sits two people to my right) when everything actually started. they were a little confused, so i told them the ceremony started at 11:30 and that the speech was at 12 - now that i think back, i can't remember how i knew that. maybe from kate and victoria? maybe melissa and kristen? anyway, i'm finally signed up for the company email list, and the first email i received on it was that inauguration coverage was streaming in the cafeteria. nice! i got my lunch and went over at 11:25. i microwaved my instant lunch (shrimp flavor) and a little tupperware of corn and got a good seat in a chair right next to the couches.
so, i guess the tv in the cafeteria at one time was supposed to get satellite (or at least cable) tv installed, but, if it still is going to happen, it already missed its biggest moment. some guy named chris had his computer hooked up to the monitor and was streaming the coverage through the internet. as i ate my little shrimps we all commented on the size of the crowd on tv. a crowd began to gather in the lunch room. in a terrible moment of foreshadowing, chris's screensaver came on and he had to go and connect to the website again. jennifer asked everyone multiple times if we wanted it to be louder, and after chris explained multiple times that the sound was only coming out of his laptop because he couldn't figure out how to wire the audio through the tv set, jennifer ran to find a set of speakers. she came back with a pair from a guy named matt, who, according to linda, is staunchly republican to the point of being ignorant. she felt bad about saying it, but i noticed when he came in earlier. he looked at us all, scoffed, and "muttered" (pretty loudly) as he left the room "socialist states of america." so i could guess what she meant. jennifer reported that matt wanted us all to know that he donated his speakers so we could listen to barack obama speak. it sounds like it probably pained him, but he enjoyed, i'm sure, having so many democrats in his debt.
the picture came up just in time for us to hear feinstein welcome everybody. i felt a surge of pride that she was my senator, even though i know nothing about her. i wanted to lean over and tell people, as if i've ever cared about her before. it made me wish i knew more about her, and about barbara boxer also. did i vote for them? were our senate seats even up for election this year? [checked: no] i don't remember what she said, but her words sounded grand and i was getting caught up in the magic of the moment.
right near the end of her introduction, the zooming pinpoint stars came on and the sound started chopping, and eventually stopped. the crowd gasped and chris jumped off of the couch. he got rid of the screen saver easily enough (causing his computer background, a solid red block with the kool-aid guy and "OH YEAHHHHH" in the middle, to show up on the fancy wide-screen tv), but the interruption had kicked us off of internet explorer, and something wouldn't let him restart the browser. everyone started to get anxious, and linda started asking no one in particular if there was a tv with actual tv reception anywhere in the building. the consensus was that the only confirmed television set was in acapulco's, a mexican restaurant in a different building across the parking lot. chris was able to get IE to open again, but when it became obvious that it was going to be difficult to get back onto the cnn.com stream, the 8 or so people closest to the TV (the ones who got there first, the ones who were sitting by me) got up together and ran out the door. the browser on the screen claimed our live stream would start momentarily, so i thought i'd give it a chance. a commercial for chevron came on - encouraging sign! - but only played 2 seconds at a time, with 25 seconds between each clip. eeek. we eventually got to the coverage, but all we'd see was a still shot of joe biden with a smile on his face and his hand raised in the air. 30 seconds later it'd switch to a different still, the switch accompanied by a couple of seconds of sound. after realizing this wasn't going to get better, i gave up and left too, my mind racing for a different way to experience the swearing in that was going to happen within the next few minutes.
i walked very quickly back to my cube and didn't bother to sit down as i opened firefox and tried to think of a good radio station that i could listen to, having heard from the office chatter that the network was super slow from everyone trying to stream video. i tried npr.org and after it didn't load in 15 seconds, i closed the browser and grabbed my jacked and my purse. as i was waiting for the radio to load i had remembered that i already HAD a radio - i drove a radio!! i walked quickly out the door and then jogged outside - it was just after noon now, and i was worried i was missing the Big Moment. luckily i got to the office at 8:30 this morning and most everyone else doesn't come until 8:45 or 9:00, so my car was right by the door. i jumped in the front seat, turned on the radio, and immediately began scanning the channels. i was looking for npr, but i went through every FM station without hearing anything that sounded remotely presidential. WHAT! so i switched to AM and went through all of the channels in the same way, getting more aggravated as time went on. i could understand if you only played 80s music, and therefore didn't expect your audience to turn to you for current events coverage. i passed plenty of talk radio stations, however, and i imagine at least a fraction of them must have news programs. anyway. the stations started cycling again from the beginning, and around 570 i heard a promising sound. i stopped and heard the ceremony going on, and let out a huge sigh of relief. the station worried me, however, because it made it sound like it had the power to play the Presidential Oath live, but was choosing to have a commercial then and then instant replay the oath for all of us in listener land. i decided it wasn't my place to complain, however, and decided to listen to this station while driving to acapulco's tv.
my fears were confirmed - it seemed this station's first priority was not to report the news as it was happening. they came back from commercial with the announcement that barack obama was now officially our president - WHAT!!!! - and then they played the recording of the oath. whatever, i was happy to hear it. i tried to imagine what obama's face and posture looked like as he spoke over the chief justice at the beginning and bumbled some of the words. i hoped, and hope, that when (/if) people someday look back on that moment, they will see it as a sign that obama, despite all of the hope and the hype is just a man, but one who can get nervous and who can make mistakes and recover and still be an exceptional man. i imagine some people are excited to say in 4 or 8 years that this was the our first sign, a terrible foreshadowing, of disaster that was to follow. i do not think this will be the case.
i drove by acapulco's as obama's address was starting, and it wasn't obviously a space for inauguration watching, so i just decided to drive back and stay in my car. i was finding a spot with particularly good reception and enjoying the speech when the radio announcer said, "okay, this is expected to last for another 20 or 30 minutes, so let's take some calls..." WHAT!!! horrified, i clicked the scan button as fast as i could, almost losing control of my steering wheel while going slowly in the parking lot. luckily the next station was playing the address as well, but my calm was short-lived. it became obvious after about 3 seconds that this radio announcer was planning to comment on every one of obama's statements, and it was even more obvious that this man did NOT like president obama. hoping that the previous trend would hold i pressed the scan button again and was happy that the next station was indeed carrying the address as well. after 10 or so seconds i began to rest easy, satisfied that there was at least one radio station that would play the world's most important events uniterrupted for people who wanted to experience them.
i parked in a spot that overlooked at small body of water across from the freeway. during the 30 minutes or so i sat there some pretty substantial snow blew off of a tall tree hanging over me, convincing me at least once that a freak snowstorm had indeed started in broad daylight. it was nice, though, as it provided clean water with which i could get the salt stuff off of my windshield. i've been trying to save my windshield wiper fluid, as i think it's starting to run on empty and i need this car and its large cargo hold to last me until at least the end of the weekend (after which i will be MORE than happy to find something wrong with it so i can switch it in for something else, preferably half the size).
anyway, parked in the little spot with the heat running and my radio turned louder than necessary, i listened to president obama's speech. i always have trouble following along when people speak, especially if only one person speaks for a long time (that's why i lived for reading period lecture video replay marathons - i need a pause button so i can process what you're saying as you say it), but some points really caught my attention.
"Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights." --especially with all of the talk about china and the olympics and its plan and position to become the next world power, i know i've had thoughts that maybe it's narcissistic for us to think that we deserve, or even that we can pull off another century at the top of the world. i imagined this was the natural life cycle of countries, kind of like how we don't care about portugal anymore (sorry, portugal). i hadn't really thought that this was a mindset we choose, and that if we collectively decide something different than something different will be true. not sure if this isn't an even more narcissistic view, but if anyone should have the "america can and always will be best," it should be our president.
"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things." --(1 corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.") i was happy i recognized the scripture, although i could not place it. i love this attitude. trying to grow up myself, i am eager to see how america handles its transition from adolescent to adult. what a time to live here!
"Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life...This is the journey we continue today." --i tried to think about how me sitting in a cubicle and typing perl code for hours a day could make life better for the generations to come, and the first answer i could come up with is i must do it better, with more heart and more meaning and more devotion. the next answer i came up with is that i need to find the place where i will be excited to struggle and sacrifice and work and think ahead and show my love for the americans not yet born. where can i make this impact? what am i meant to contribute? i am sitting too easy right now.
"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions...Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done...What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them" --i love this!
"But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old." --at this moment it hit me why i liked this inauguration so much - it was like a political General Conference, a chance for the rest of the country to feel the feelings of unity and togetherness and coming together that my lds friends and i get to experience twice a year. a world leader broadcasting an inspiring speech encouraging us to be better than we are. the whole world watching at exactly the same moment, many gathering around the speaker himself but most gathering where they are, the millions of remote locations symbolic of the reach and diversity of our community. afterwards we all have something in common that we can discuss, and we'll share our favorite parts and comment on each other's favorite parts, and we can quote pieces from it later and everyone will no what you're talking about without you having to explain. just like church! it's perfect. i loved that curiosity was included on this list.
i remember at graduation kristen asked if i didn't seem more fragile than before, like all of the stress and the changes made it much easier to cry, even if i wasn't particularly sad. i didn't understand then, but over the past few months i've grown to understand what she meant. my reaction was just delayed - i've been more fragile since moving out on my own, and it doesn't take much for me to start shedding tears. because of this, i'm glad that in the end i didn't watch the inauguration with all of my new coworkers, as i could cry freely alone in my car.
after obama's speech was over the radio station began playing commercials, so i switched back to the previous station to hear the poet and the prayer. the angry man was still angry, and while i appreciated that he didn't talk directly over any of the speakers, his sarcastic commentary almost ruined everything that was said. i got angrier and angrier at his cynicism as i drove back to my original spot, and as i was turning off the car he went to commercial and mentioned his name: rush limbaugh. it suddenly all made a lot more sense, and while i was still upset with him, at least it served as a good reminder that political fanaticism too far to any one side tears people down and ruins any feelings of unity.
at some point during the speech i thought of dick cheney in a wheelchair and had a shudder as i thought of what could have happened if mccain had been elected. i tried to imagine the worst case scenario, and sarah palin stepping in and trying to deliver a speech that would need to calm our nation, soothe fears in all parties, and gain the trust of republicans and democrats alike. i like to think that she might have surprised us all, and wouldn't that have been a great story. even so, i'm glad she won't have that opportunity.
and so! my first inauguration day. i guess technically my sixth. but in truth, my first. i am so excited for america, and at the same time worried for obama. there are a lot of people that think he is all hype, and will be eager, if not happy, to see him fail. i'll try my best to do my part, mr. president, to make you look good.
my favorite part, i think, of the entire ceremony was when the naval chorus(?) sang the star spangled banner. i was listening to rush at that point, and he was silent during the entire hymn. it made me realize that there are some things that both sides have in common, and those things are the best things: patriotism, respect for country, love for our history. it makes it easier to like the other side, i think, if you remember that they're trying to achieve the same goal you are, and they love the same country you love.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
voting today
"we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America's story..."
p.s. http://yeswecanholdbabies.wordpress.com/
p.s. http://yeswecanholdbabies.wordpress.com/
Thursday, October 9, 2008
melissa is coughing for an update, which i think means she really wants to hear what i thought about the mens final diving competition. i don't really remember much two months later, but i remember being conflicted as to whether be super happy that the australian guy came from behind by doing consistently awesome dives, or really sad that the whole country of china was severely let down by one guy who was tens of points ahead thought he had it in the bag. but then i feel a little upset - who are they to assume they have anything in the bag? just because they've won the first 7 medals in the event why should they feel entitled to the 8th? why shouldn't i root for the underdog? BUT they were so close and it would have been so perfect! we had our 8 for 8 and it was fantastic. should we try to take that away from china just because they're so good at so many other things? it was all settled when the camera showed how happy and surprised and thankful and crying and unbelieving the australian guy was. you deserve it, dude!
i am liking minneapolis so far, and while i was a little worried after attending the potluck lunch between sessions of conference on sunday, i loved FHE on monday and am excited to really get into this ward here. i definitely made a mistake not trying harder to make friends and do things with the indianapolis ward. i just spent 3 minutes typing and erasing excuses, but there aren't any really. i was kind of busy missing and visiting my old friends and didn't want new ones. this time however, excepting a trip to harvard yale (I JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET YESTERDAY HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i am sticking around and trying harder. flag football on saturday woot woot woot woot.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:
is it true for everybody that there are some people you immediately click with better than others? i don't necessarily mean people that go on to become our dear friends, but rather casual acquaintances* or people you only meet once or twice. i'm thinking specifically of a kid in the indy ward who i sat next to in sunday school and with whom i shared my scriptures since he had forgotten his. we chatted as we went to sacrament meeting and while we didn't exchange phone numbers or fall in love, he was a friendly face and someone who was really easy to talk to, much easier than most of the other people i had met that day. he seemed like he was usually pretty quiet, so i think it may have been a little out of the ordinary for him as well.
it made me wonder why it should be easier to be friends with him than with a different, perhaps more outwardly friendly person. something that's always interested me is thinking about our lives before we came down to earth. i don't know exactly what the official doctrine is, if there is one, regarding our social organization in the pre-mortal life, but i like to think that we had friends and we knew who our family members would be and we spent time with each other. whenever i meet a stranger with whom i click easily or make a connection stronger than normal, i've started to wonder if maybe we were friends before, and maybe this pleasant feeling is our imperfect bodies' attempts to interpret the joy our spirits are feeling as they recognize each other and rejoice at this chance reunion so far from home.
i unfortunately haven't read much of Preach My Gospel, but of the bit i've been through one epiphany hit me wonderfully hard. there was a reference to Romans 8:16, a scripture i hadn't paid attention to before: "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God." to me this means that the way God speaks to us is by sending His Spirit to talk directly to our spirit. this is the way he communicates truth. this is why people can't be convinced intellectually that some religious teaching is true, even if they are willing or wanting to believe; they have to learn with their spirit and not their brain. and since it's really hard to trust a feeling when you're used to relying on logic to discern truth, many people don't understand how someone can have strong religious convictions without tangible proof, or use different standards to judge religious statements vs. scientific ones. i remember in high school jennifer griffiths shared with our seminary class that someone she talked with accused mormons of explaining everything "with a feeling" as our only proof. sister obrigawitch didn't have an answer, except "well, i guess they're right." i've always been conflicted as to why this was ok, and while at the time i accepted it and moved on, it didn't really click until i read this scripture. spiritual things are communicated through the spirit. when another spirit bears witness to our spirit, we perceive it as a feeling - warm fuzzies when we're with someone we should be with, chills through our body when we hear something inspirational, inexplicable (i've always wanted to use that word!!) tears when a friend shares something special. i like to interpret this scripture to mean that our spirits can communicate on a level that we don't entirely register and that our mortal bodies aren't really able to perceive.
and while i think close friends and family are in a different category - our spirits probably learn from each other and grow to love each other more as we spend time together - i can't imagine we didn't know one another before we came to earth. i like to think that the spirits of my grandchildren keep watch over me, and that they cheer when i do things that are good and when i do things that are wrong they are surrounding me, hollering at me to stop and to make the right choice. in my mind it's kind of like getting really into a tv show...they will yell and jump (like my dad when his team makes a big play) when i'm about to meet my husband for the first time. they'll slap their heads and yowl when i turn the corner too early and just miss him (MY LEAST FAVORITE PART OF ANY PLOT GAH), but that will just make them more excited the next time we are close. being able to guess how my midterm will turn out, they will holler and lament ("no no no no no no no...gahhh!!") when i fall asleep on my physics book, and knowing how much joy it would bring me, they probably had really big smiles on their faces when we bought our piano from the neighbors and moved it into the living room. when they're ready to be born they'll say "see you soon," and when i see them i won't be able to explain with my brain why i love them so much, but my spirit, who has felt their encouragement and love for eons rather than minutes, will finally be able to say thank you.
P.S.! this is closest i've ever seen motab come to kuumba: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8iW9AFr3VY. woooo!
i am liking minneapolis so far, and while i was a little worried after attending the potluck lunch between sessions of conference on sunday, i loved FHE on monday and am excited to really get into this ward here. i definitely made a mistake not trying harder to make friends and do things with the indianapolis ward. i just spent 3 minutes typing and erasing excuses, but there aren't any really. i was kind of busy missing and visiting my old friends and didn't want new ones. this time however, excepting a trip to harvard yale (I JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET YESTERDAY HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i am sticking around and trying harder. flag football on saturday woot woot woot woot.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:
is it true for everybody that there are some people you immediately click with better than others? i don't necessarily mean people that go on to become our dear friends, but rather casual acquaintances* or people you only meet once or twice. i'm thinking specifically of a kid in the indy ward who i sat next to in sunday school and with whom i shared my scriptures since he had forgotten his. we chatted as we went to sacrament meeting and while we didn't exchange phone numbers or fall in love, he was a friendly face and someone who was really easy to talk to, much easier than most of the other people i had met that day. he seemed like he was usually pretty quiet, so i think it may have been a little out of the ordinary for him as well.
it made me wonder why it should be easier to be friends with him than with a different, perhaps more outwardly friendly person. something that's always interested me is thinking about our lives before we came down to earth. i don't know exactly what the official doctrine is, if there is one, regarding our social organization in the pre-mortal life, but i like to think that we had friends and we knew who our family members would be and we spent time with each other. whenever i meet a stranger with whom i click easily or make a connection stronger than normal, i've started to wonder if maybe we were friends before, and maybe this pleasant feeling is our imperfect bodies' attempts to interpret the joy our spirits are feeling as they recognize each other and rejoice at this chance reunion so far from home.
i unfortunately haven't read much of Preach My Gospel, but of the bit i've been through one epiphany hit me wonderfully hard. there was a reference to Romans 8:16, a scripture i hadn't paid attention to before: "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God." to me this means that the way God speaks to us is by sending His Spirit to talk directly to our spirit. this is the way he communicates truth. this is why people can't be convinced intellectually that some religious teaching is true, even if they are willing or wanting to believe; they have to learn with their spirit and not their brain. and since it's really hard to trust a feeling when you're used to relying on logic to discern truth, many people don't understand how someone can have strong religious convictions without tangible proof, or use different standards to judge religious statements vs. scientific ones. i remember in high school jennifer griffiths shared with our seminary class that someone she talked with accused mormons of explaining everything "with a feeling" as our only proof. sister obrigawitch didn't have an answer, except "well, i guess they're right." i've always been conflicted as to why this was ok, and while at the time i accepted it and moved on, it didn't really click until i read this scripture. spiritual things are communicated through the spirit. when another spirit bears witness to our spirit, we perceive it as a feeling - warm fuzzies when we're with someone we should be with, chills through our body when we hear something inspirational, inexplicable (i've always wanted to use that word!!) tears when a friend shares something special. i like to interpret this scripture to mean that our spirits can communicate on a level that we don't entirely register and that our mortal bodies aren't really able to perceive.
and while i think close friends and family are in a different category - our spirits probably learn from each other and grow to love each other more as we spend time together - i can't imagine we didn't know one another before we came to earth. i like to think that the spirits of my grandchildren keep watch over me, and that they cheer when i do things that are good and when i do things that are wrong they are surrounding me, hollering at me to stop and to make the right choice. in my mind it's kind of like getting really into a tv show...they will yell and jump (like my dad when his team makes a big play) when i'm about to meet my husband for the first time. they'll slap their heads and yowl when i turn the corner too early and just miss him (MY LEAST FAVORITE PART OF ANY PLOT GAH), but that will just make them more excited the next time we are close. being able to guess how my midterm will turn out, they will holler and lament ("no no no no no no no...gahhh!!") when i fall asleep on my physics book, and knowing how much joy it would bring me, they probably had really big smiles on their faces when we bought our piano from the neighbors and moved it into the living room. when they're ready to be born they'll say "see you soon," and when i see them i won't be able to explain with my brain why i love them so much, but my spirit, who has felt their encouragement and love for eons rather than minutes, will finally be able to say thank you.
P.S.! this is closest i've ever seen motab come to kuumba: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8iW9AFr3VY. woooo!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
so fresh and so clean clean
<3 mens marathon!! kenyan and ethiopian running 1-2 sharing water bottles at 1 hr 45!
went to a mormon activity, played some volleyball and am feeling better.
EDIT: mouth open at mens diving!!!!!! except...i just realized west coasters won't see it for 3 hours. i will wait until then!!!
went to a mormon activity, played some volleyball and am feeling better.
EDIT: mouth open at mens diving!!!!!! except...i just realized west coasters won't see it for 3 hours. i will wait until then!!!
raaaauggghhh today is one of those days i really really wish school wasn't over, and that i was home for the summer. i don't want to make new friends. i have friends already, and i just want those.
i'm trying to remember if i felt like this during my first couple of months at harvard, wishing i was just home with nikki and jocelyn and allie and bry. i've forgotten how tiring it is to reach out when there's no one near by to fall back on.
it's like my subconscious knows it's almost september - almost time to pick classes, almost time to decorate my new room, almost time to welcome all the new little freshmen that have no idea what's coming but are really excited and ask questions like "can i bring my blender?" it's the time of summer where i get restless to see my roommates again. i'm excited to go to new york in less than a week(!), but it's going to hurt a little, staying for only 3 days.
the kids here don't seem too excited about the singles branch. it seems like they appreciate indianapolis as a place to live, but there's not any of the enthusiasm of the boston wards. i thought for awhile that i might like staying out here permanently at the end of my first year, but at this moment i can't wait to move to orange county and work close to home.
i'm trying to remember if i felt like this during my first couple of months at harvard, wishing i was just home with nikki and jocelyn and allie and bry. i've forgotten how tiring it is to reach out when there's no one near by to fall back on.
it's like my subconscious knows it's almost september - almost time to pick classes, almost time to decorate my new room, almost time to welcome all the new little freshmen that have no idea what's coming but are really excited and ask questions like "can i bring my blender?" it's the time of summer where i get restless to see my roommates again. i'm excited to go to new york in less than a week(!), but it's going to hurt a little, staying for only 3 days.
the kids here don't seem too excited about the singles branch. it seems like they appreciate indianapolis as a place to live, but there's not any of the enthusiasm of the boston wards. i thought for awhile that i might like staying out here permanently at the end of my first year, but at this moment i can't wait to move to orange county and work close to home.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
sparks that started a prairie fire
i love how the olympics inspire me to be so much healthier than i am, but i hate how they make it hard to turn off the tv and get outside. while i would prefer to be watching with my family or my friends, i'm glad people aren't here to see me cry like once an hour at the sappy inspirational athletes commercials or whenever there's an especially nice medal win. talked to hoppy on the phone! need to clean my apartment so i can find my stamps. how didn't i know the women's marathon olympic trials were run back in april in cambridge (on memorial drive!)?
have been running 3 times in the last 3 days! my body is so lazy and slow, but it gets better every day. today i did a run-walk 5k (run the first mile, walk the second, run the last 1.2). the first mile was tough, but the third was awesome, i think because i spent the whole time rehearsing how i would have answered the America's Next Top Model challenge i saw the day before. it's just so tough to tell what tyra's going to like.
have been running 3 times in the last 3 days! my body is so lazy and slow, but it gets better every day. today i did a run-walk 5k (run the first mile, walk the second, run the last 1.2). the first mile was tough, but the third was awesome, i think because i spent the whole time rehearsing how i would have answered the America's Next Top Model challenge i saw the day before. it's just so tough to tell what tyra's going to like.
Friday, August 15, 2008
"Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you will take control of it."
i recently thought of the 100 facts list i made before i went off to college (exactly 2 weeks shy of 4 years ago!) and wondered how many things have changed. many things are the same (i still don't remember moving to or from miami, and surprising people [either way it can be interpreted - i don't remember which was intended] is still my favorite), but a lot of things are different. i haven't bought a new picture frame in years, and i didn't really care when half of my frames broke while packing up my room. i never tried out for drum corps, but i didn't keep my chops up so i didn't even consider it. i save any email from someone i know or that is even a little funny, but gmail was invented and solved all of my email problems. i took the movie stubs from my dresser and put them in a binder which i added to up through this year. senior fall i collected my stubs to put them in, but didn't keep up with it. it's a weird feeling for important things to stop being important to me. i have never thought more about my eating habits than i have this past month and a half, spending so much time with my health nut work friends. i tease them, but i am thankful for their influence. my study habits finally caught up with me, multiple times. it's a tough habit to break, and although i'm trying to improve my work ethic still suffers. it's funny to see that i once wanted to live alone - after living with amazing roommates for 4 years i completely changed my mind. on the nights when i was alone in the quint i would get so scared, i didn't think that i should ever live alone. i'm really liking it now. not loving it, but liking it. i love not caring about clothes (wearing the same ones over and over, or not wearing any at all), and i love trying new things out and the opportunity to experiment with things like cooking and closets. i sleep with the light on half the time, though, and i'm talking to myself out loud about each olympic race.
after a whole year studying blindness and deafness, i still believe i would rather be blind than deaf, but the dilemma is a little worse. the clincher is personality - a blind person can convey their personality, their sense of humor, and their feelings through their voice, while it seems to me that often a deaf person's personality gets lost to most people they meet. while in DC we played matt's "Conversation Game" (real title), which posed the question: if you were blind or deaf but could see (hear) for one hour each week, what would you look at (listen to)? for some reason we only discussed being deaf. i believe i would keep a running list of sounds i read about or am told about, and every week go listen to one or two. the 1812 overature, for example, or ocean waves, my grandparents' voices, the beatles. some weeks would likely be spent listening to quiet noises (i would want to know what sounds one hears when taking the path less traveled by), but i hope i wouldn't view those as a waste.
i'd like to say i've cleansed myself of jealousy, but just this year i spent many nights on my knees praying for help letting go of selfish hurt feelings and to be truly happy for my friends. i've always wanted too much attention, and it's been interesting growing up trying to remain childlike without being childish. i still am not tolerant enough of people who grate my nerves, but i've had some wonderful examples to give me an idea what i'd like to be like. i've had it beat into me from so many extremely different sources that there's never any reason to be mean or unpleasant or disinterested in someone just because of who they are. living in cambridge got me over my fear of homeless people, but i'm still not very good at deciding when to give and when to walk by.
still don't think i've told a boy outloud i like him, in those words exactly. have i? i've definitely made it clear, if not with words, haha.
now instead of being freaked out when people refer to my peers as "men" and "women", i am getting freaked out when my friends and their fiances don't look like men and women, but definitely boys and girls. i love the moment when i realize one of my friends has reached their adult look. it's noticeable and real and awesome.
i still worry about annoying the people around me - i've been able to catch it (i think) with practice, but it's hitting me again now, being around my ifp friends who are very different from the people who i have loved and who have loved me for the past 1, 4, 8, forever years. hearing my friends cuss has lost its shock value (there are small sacrifices one makes by not going to byu), but it always made me smile when kristen would interrupt her angry rants to apologize to me.
cool runnings still makes me cry. oregon trail didn't go away when i went to college.
now that i have my own money i finally bought the only video game i've actually ever wanted (guitar hero!), and i am very happy. melissa said once that she was really going to miss the perfect sense of humor that so many harvard kids have, and i realize now this is something i have always loved. i've only kissed one boy since i wrote my last list. i imagine myself as a "only love" girl rather than a "first love" girl, but i suppose we'll see. you don't have to kiss many boys, as long as one of the few turns out to be the right one. still in love with clean teeth!
i wasn't ready to move away this time, not from harvard and then not from home. i really had set myself up for an awesome summer, and while i am not idiotic enough to turn away a great job landing right in my lap, i went through a period of mourning for the summer that never was. while of course i would love to have been friends with my current friends years and years ago i can't imagine having enough hours in the day to handle being very close to my college, high school, middle school, and forever friends simultaneously. it's taken me a long time, but i've come to accept that maybe some (most?) people are in your life for only a few years or a few months or a few weeks, and that is ok. it hit me first when i had to say goodbye to the wonderful freshmen serving their missions after my sophomore year. these were guys i was "supposed" to spend time with for 3 years, but instead our lives intersected for only 8 months. i was really surprised though, when i had 3 good friends from nerd camp come to harvard my sophomore year - even though two of them were among my 3 best friends in the the program, i almost NEVER saw them at school. i didn't try and they didn't try, and neither of us was sad about it. it was a different world - we were best friends at davis, but not at harvard, and that felt right.
after watching the movie, i believe the narnia quote i was looking for is in prince caspian. need to reread and find out.
i've heard much more *about* boys' emotions since 2004, but they still haven't convinced me 100%. still love cut and paste! brought my colored paper to work today and cut and pasted some ultracentrifuge ideas, explaining to my cubicle buddies that this is the medium in which i work best.
funny, i would love to move back to boston now, even though i might just try to live my college life, and even though there's a real possibility it would not be as fun. sometimes i try to remember what facebook was like back when neha helped me sign up, and it's just amazing. remember when the wall was introduced? and how everyone hated it when the wall format was changed? i still go exclusively to "thefacebook.com", because "facebook.com" used to belong to someone else. i cannot comprehend that zuckerburg left harvard as a sophomore to go change the internet forever.
i still hope that someday after we are dead we have the opportunity to find out exactly how we have affected every person we have met, but i am more scared now of what i will hear than i was before. i get headaches now, but not very often, and i never think to take painkillers for them. i love church more than ever, but it's hard to transition to life without my amazing boston ward. i've had many jobs since 2004 - best one was the mail room!!
i can be serious now without being grumpy! success. getting better at sharing feelings, but not quite there yet. still need to learn how to drum - still on the list!
i had my chance to drink - i was taking out the recycling while alone in my host family's house last summer and noticed that there was a good 3 inches of vodka left in one of the bottles (um, can you recycle vodka?). i felt that this was my now or never moment, and when i left the bottles all on the side of the road i knew i'd never drink alcohol, and i do not believe that i am missing out.
i sleep facing away from my window precisely because i still think the scariest thing in the world is looking out your window and seeing a pair of eye staring in. i still wish i had a brother, although i've had more boy-friends in my life now, and while they aren't quite brothers, i'm a little happier now than i was back then.
harrys 6 & 7 completely made up for #5!! i'm so happy i lived through that. it's strange i didn't really see the appeal of jello in august 04, because starting in september i had red jello with every dinner for 9 straight months. i would go crazy if i didn't have a cell phone now, although the random weeks where i break mine are always well appreciated and pleasant break. there's something wonderful about being unreachable every now and then.
i'm doing well here in indy, although my very best moments have been when i was visiting mormons in dc and spending last weekend with amy and nikki (and PHANTOM!). i've appreciated living alone for the time it allows for thinking, which sounds pretty emo, but i've decided that i want to be able to trust myself much more than i do right now, physically - if for some reason i need to run a mile to get help for someone i want to trust myself to make it there and back no problem, emotionally - i want to trust myself to keep promises i make to myself and to others, if i tell myself something will get done i want to be able to believe that is true (because i don't believe it why should anyone else?), and spiritually - i want to be at a point where if i was to meet my future husband i would be ready for him. how tragic would it be to meet the man of your dreams and to realize you still need 2 years before you're ready to be your adult self? one would hope he would wait, but regardless it's time to grow up.
one of the best things i remember from sacrament meeting in the past few years was one boy who was going to art school for drawing. he said he had lots of people - friends - who would come to his apartment, see his work, and say something like "i wish i could draw!" he said this always makes him mad (what? the congregation snaps their heads up), because he wishes he could draw. he wishes it so bad that he draws every day, hours a day, until does it well. i think about this a lot when i imagine what i want to be like in the future. i wish i could cook, i wish i kept my word, i wish i didn't lose things that are important, i wish i was healthier. i wish these things so badly that there's nothing else to do but get out there and get started.
"you judge one's character by the company you keep, and i'm happy to keep company with you." -mark spitz to michael phelps
after a whole year studying blindness and deafness, i still believe i would rather be blind than deaf, but the dilemma is a little worse. the clincher is personality - a blind person can convey their personality, their sense of humor, and their feelings through their voice, while it seems to me that often a deaf person's personality gets lost to most people they meet. while in DC we played matt's "Conversation Game" (real title), which posed the question: if you were blind or deaf but could see (hear) for one hour each week, what would you look at (listen to)? for some reason we only discussed being deaf. i believe i would keep a running list of sounds i read about or am told about, and every week go listen to one or two. the 1812 overature, for example, or ocean waves, my grandparents' voices, the beatles. some weeks would likely be spent listening to quiet noises (i would want to know what sounds one hears when taking the path less traveled by), but i hope i wouldn't view those as a waste.
i'd like to say i've cleansed myself of jealousy, but just this year i spent many nights on my knees praying for help letting go of selfish hurt feelings and to be truly happy for my friends. i've always wanted too much attention, and it's been interesting growing up trying to remain childlike without being childish. i still am not tolerant enough of people who grate my nerves, but i've had some wonderful examples to give me an idea what i'd like to be like. i've had it beat into me from so many extremely different sources that there's never any reason to be mean or unpleasant or disinterested in someone just because of who they are. living in cambridge got me over my fear of homeless people, but i'm still not very good at deciding when to give and when to walk by.
still don't think i've told a boy outloud i like him, in those words exactly. have i? i've definitely made it clear, if not with words, haha.
now instead of being freaked out when people refer to my peers as "men" and "women", i am getting freaked out when my friends and their fiances don't look like men and women, but definitely boys and girls. i love the moment when i realize one of my friends has reached their adult look. it's noticeable and real and awesome.
i still worry about annoying the people around me - i've been able to catch it (i think) with practice, but it's hitting me again now, being around my ifp friends who are very different from the people who i have loved and who have loved me for the past 1, 4, 8, forever years. hearing my friends cuss has lost its shock value (there are small sacrifices one makes by not going to byu), but it always made me smile when kristen would interrupt her angry rants to apologize to me.
cool runnings still makes me cry. oregon trail didn't go away when i went to college.
now that i have my own money i finally bought the only video game i've actually ever wanted (guitar hero!), and i am very happy. melissa said once that she was really going to miss the perfect sense of humor that so many harvard kids have, and i realize now this is something i have always loved. i've only kissed one boy since i wrote my last list. i imagine myself as a "only love" girl rather than a "first love" girl, but i suppose we'll see. you don't have to kiss many boys, as long as one of the few turns out to be the right one. still in love with clean teeth!
i wasn't ready to move away this time, not from harvard and then not from home. i really had set myself up for an awesome summer, and while i am not idiotic enough to turn away a great job landing right in my lap, i went through a period of mourning for the summer that never was. while of course i would love to have been friends with my current friends years and years ago i can't imagine having enough hours in the day to handle being very close to my college, high school, middle school, and forever friends simultaneously. it's taken me a long time, but i've come to accept that maybe some (most?) people are in your life for only a few years or a few months or a few weeks, and that is ok. it hit me first when i had to say goodbye to the wonderful freshmen serving their missions after my sophomore year. these were guys i was "supposed" to spend time with for 3 years, but instead our lives intersected for only 8 months. i was really surprised though, when i had 3 good friends from nerd camp come to harvard my sophomore year - even though two of them were among my 3 best friends in the the program, i almost NEVER saw them at school. i didn't try and they didn't try, and neither of us was sad about it. it was a different world - we were best friends at davis, but not at harvard, and that felt right.
after watching the movie, i believe the narnia quote i was looking for is in prince caspian. need to reread and find out.
i've heard much more *about* boys' emotions since 2004, but they still haven't convinced me 100%. still love cut and paste! brought my colored paper to work today and cut and pasted some ultracentrifuge ideas, explaining to my cubicle buddies that this is the medium in which i work best.
funny, i would love to move back to boston now, even though i might just try to live my college life, and even though there's a real possibility it would not be as fun. sometimes i try to remember what facebook was like back when neha helped me sign up, and it's just amazing. remember when the wall was introduced? and how everyone hated it when the wall format was changed? i still go exclusively to "thefacebook.com", because "facebook.com" used to belong to someone else. i cannot comprehend that zuckerburg left harvard as a sophomore to go change the internet forever.
i still hope that someday after we are dead we have the opportunity to find out exactly how we have affected every person we have met, but i am more scared now of what i will hear than i was before. i get headaches now, but not very often, and i never think to take painkillers for them. i love church more than ever, but it's hard to transition to life without my amazing boston ward. i've had many jobs since 2004 - best one was the mail room!!
i can be serious now without being grumpy! success. getting better at sharing feelings, but not quite there yet. still need to learn how to drum - still on the list!
i had my chance to drink - i was taking out the recycling while alone in my host family's house last summer and noticed that there was a good 3 inches of vodka left in one of the bottles (um, can you recycle vodka?). i felt that this was my now or never moment, and when i left the bottles all on the side of the road i knew i'd never drink alcohol, and i do not believe that i am missing out.
i sleep facing away from my window precisely because i still think the scariest thing in the world is looking out your window and seeing a pair of eye staring in. i still wish i had a brother, although i've had more boy-friends in my life now, and while they aren't quite brothers, i'm a little happier now than i was back then.
harrys 6 & 7 completely made up for #5!! i'm so happy i lived through that. it's strange i didn't really see the appeal of jello in august 04, because starting in september i had red jello with every dinner for 9 straight months. i would go crazy if i didn't have a cell phone now, although the random weeks where i break mine are always well appreciated and pleasant break. there's something wonderful about being unreachable every now and then.
i'm doing well here in indy, although my very best moments have been when i was visiting mormons in dc and spending last weekend with amy and nikki (and PHANTOM!). i've appreciated living alone for the time it allows for thinking, which sounds pretty emo, but i've decided that i want to be able to trust myself much more than i do right now, physically - if for some reason i need to run a mile to get help for someone i want to trust myself to make it there and back no problem, emotionally - i want to trust myself to keep promises i make to myself and to others, if i tell myself something will get done i want to be able to believe that is true (because i don't believe it why should anyone else?), and spiritually - i want to be at a point where if i was to meet my future husband i would be ready for him. how tragic would it be to meet the man of your dreams and to realize you still need 2 years before you're ready to be your adult self? one would hope he would wait, but regardless it's time to grow up.
one of the best things i remember from sacrament meeting in the past few years was one boy who was going to art school for drawing. he said he had lots of people - friends - who would come to his apartment, see his work, and say something like "i wish i could draw!" he said this always makes him mad (what? the congregation snaps their heads up), because he wishes he could draw. he wishes it so bad that he draws every day, hours a day, until does it well. i think about this a lot when i imagine what i want to be like in the future. i wish i could cook, i wish i kept my word, i wish i didn't lose things that are important, i wish i was healthier. i wish these things so badly that there's nothing else to do but get out there and get started.
"you judge one's character by the company you keep, and i'm happy to keep company with you." -mark spitz to michael phelps
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