the price and the promise of citizenship

so i haven't been ignoring this journal on purpose - i almost updated for melissa's birthday. really! it was going to be an entry about how, according to my dad, they have found clay pots from thousands of years ago that inadvertently store audio records. they have recordings of the grooves of these pots being played with a CD laser or something, and while you can't understand what the voices are saying or what language they're speaking, you can tell they're human. it's mind-blowing - a voice recording of humans from thousands of years ago, captured unwittingly and unknowingly by a rotating pot wheel and a sharp stylus?!? i thought melissa would appreciate it as a birthday post. unfortunately, while looking for a website with the recordings, i found a lot of websites that said this whole story was actually a belgian news station's april fools joke. and so i haven't updated until today.

[just a warning...i didn't try to make this interesting. don't bother reading it, it is almost entirely for me and my memory.]

but i figured today was a good day to document. i was very proud of my friends who made the trek to washington to be part of the crowd, and i was very proud of the so many other people all over the country that found TVs and computers and radios to be part of the moment. my story was this: i hadn't heard anything about inauguration-watching at all, so this morning i packed my headphones in my bag in case there wasn't going to be a group watching and i would need to watch on my internet. around 11:10, though, a woman came by my cube asking linda (the woman who sits behind me) and beth (the woman who sits two people to my right) when everything actually started. they were a little confused, so i told them the ceremony started at 11:30 and that the speech was at 12 - now that i think back, i can't remember how i knew that. maybe from kate and victoria? maybe melissa and kristen? anyway, i'm finally signed up for the company email list, and the first email i received on it was that inauguration coverage was streaming in the cafeteria. nice! i got my lunch and went over at 11:25. i microwaved my instant lunch (shrimp flavor) and a little tupperware of corn and got a good seat in a chair right next to the couches.

so, i guess the tv in the cafeteria at one time was supposed to get satellite (or at least cable) tv installed, but, if it still is going to happen, it already missed its biggest moment. some guy named chris had his computer hooked up to the monitor and was streaming the coverage through the internet. as i ate my little shrimps we all commented on the size of the crowd on tv. a crowd began to gather in the lunch room. in a terrible moment of foreshadowing, chris's screensaver came on and he had to go and connect to the website again. jennifer asked everyone multiple times if we wanted it to be louder, and after chris explained multiple times that the sound was only coming out of his laptop because he couldn't figure out how to wire the audio through the tv set, jennifer ran to find a set of speakers. she came back with a pair from a guy named matt, who, according to linda, is staunchly republican to the point of being ignorant. she felt bad about saying it, but i noticed when he came in earlier. he looked at us all, scoffed, and "muttered" (pretty loudly) as he left the room "socialist states of america." so i could guess what she meant. jennifer reported that matt wanted us all to know that he donated his speakers so we could listen to barack obama speak. it sounds like it probably pained him, but he enjoyed, i'm sure, having so many democrats in his debt.

the picture came up just in time for us to hear feinstein welcome everybody. i felt a surge of pride that she was my senator, even though i know nothing about her. i wanted to lean over and tell people, as if i've ever cared about her before. it made me wish i knew more about her, and about barbara boxer also. did i vote for them? were our senate seats even up for election this year? [checked: no] i don't remember what she said, but her words sounded grand and i was getting caught up in the magic of the moment.

right near the end of her introduction, the zooming pinpoint stars came on and the sound started chopping, and eventually stopped. the crowd gasped and chris jumped off of the couch. he got rid of the screen saver easily enough (causing his computer background, a solid red block with the kool-aid guy and "OH YEAHHHHH" in the middle, to show up on the fancy wide-screen tv), but the interruption had kicked us off of internet explorer, and something wouldn't let him restart the browser. everyone started to get anxious, and linda started asking no one in particular if there was a tv with actual tv reception anywhere in the building. the consensus was that the only confirmed television set was in acapulco's, a mexican restaurant in a different building across the parking lot. chris was able to get IE to open again, but when it became obvious that it was going to be difficult to get back onto the cnn.com stream, the 8 or so people closest to the TV (the ones who got there first, the ones who were sitting by me) got up together and ran out the door. the browser on the screen claimed our live stream would start momentarily, so i thought i'd give it a chance. a commercial for chevron came on - encouraging sign! - but only played 2 seconds at a time, with 25 seconds between each clip. eeek. we eventually got to the coverage, but all we'd see was a still shot of joe biden with a smile on his face and his hand raised in the air. 30 seconds later it'd switch to a different still, the switch accompanied by a couple of seconds of sound. after realizing this wasn't going to get better, i gave up and left too, my mind racing for a different way to experience the swearing in that was going to happen within the next few minutes.

i walked very quickly back to my cube and didn't bother to sit down as i opened firefox and tried to think of a good radio station that i could listen to, having heard from the office chatter that the network was super slow from everyone trying to stream video. i tried npr.org and after it didn't load in 15 seconds, i closed the browser and grabbed my jacked and my purse. as i was waiting for the radio to load i had remembered that i already HAD a radio - i drove a radio!! i walked quickly out the door and then jogged outside - it was just after noon now, and i was worried i was missing the Big Moment. luckily i got to the office at 8:30 this morning and most everyone else doesn't come until 8:45 or 9:00, so my car was right by the door. i jumped in the front seat, turned on the radio, and immediately began scanning the channels. i was looking for npr, but i went through every FM station without hearing anything that sounded remotely presidential. WHAT! so i switched to AM and went through all of the channels in the same way, getting more aggravated as time went on. i could understand if you only played 80s music, and therefore didn't expect your audience to turn to you for current events coverage. i passed plenty of talk radio stations, however, and i imagine at least a fraction of them must have news programs. anyway. the stations started cycling again from the beginning, and around 570 i heard a promising sound. i stopped and heard the ceremony going on, and let out a huge sigh of relief. the station worried me, however, because it made it sound like it had the power to play the Presidential Oath live, but was choosing to have a commercial then and then instant replay the oath for all of us in listener land. i decided it wasn't my place to complain, however, and decided to listen to this station while driving to acapulco's tv.

my fears were confirmed - it seemed this station's first priority was not to report the news as it was happening. they came back from commercial with the announcement that barack obama was now officially our president - WHAT!!!! - and then they played the recording of the oath. whatever, i was happy to hear it. i tried to imagine what obama's face and posture looked like as he spoke over the chief justice at the beginning and bumbled some of the words. i hoped, and hope, that when (/if) people someday look back on that moment, they will see it as a sign that obama, despite all of the hope and the hype is just a man, but one who can get nervous and who can make mistakes and recover and still be an exceptional man. i imagine some people are excited to say in 4 or 8 years that this was the our first sign, a terrible foreshadowing, of disaster that was to follow. i do not think this will be the case.

i drove by acapulco's as obama's address was starting, and it wasn't obviously a space for inauguration watching, so i just decided to drive back and stay in my car. i was finding a spot with particularly good reception and enjoying the speech when the radio announcer said, "okay, this is expected to last for another 20 or 30 minutes, so let's take some calls..." WHAT!!! horrified, i clicked the scan button as fast as i could, almost losing control of my steering wheel while going slowly in the parking lot. luckily the next station was playing the address as well, but my calm was short-lived. it became obvious after about 3 seconds that this radio announcer was planning to comment on every one of obama's statements, and it was even more obvious that this man did NOT like president obama. hoping that the previous trend would hold i pressed the scan button again and was happy that the next station was indeed carrying the address as well. after 10 or so seconds i began to rest easy, satisfied that there was at least one radio station that would play the world's most important events uniterrupted for people who wanted to experience them.

i parked in a spot that overlooked at small body of water across from the freeway. during the 30 minutes or so i sat there some pretty substantial snow blew off of a tall tree hanging over me, convincing me at least once that a freak snowstorm had indeed started in broad daylight. it was nice, though, as it provided clean water with which i could get the salt stuff off of my windshield. i've been trying to save my windshield wiper fluid, as i think it's starting to run on empty and i need this car and its large cargo hold to last me until at least the end of the weekend (after which i will be MORE than happy to find something wrong with it so i can switch it in for something else, preferably half the size).

anyway, parked in the little spot with the heat running and my radio turned louder than necessary, i listened to president obama's speech. i always have trouble following along when people speak, especially if only one person speaks for a long time (that's why i lived for reading period lecture video replay marathons - i need a pause button so i can process what you're saying as you say it), but some points really caught my attention.

"Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights." --especially with all of the talk about china and the olympics and its plan and position to become the next world power, i know i've had thoughts that maybe it's narcissistic for us to think that we deserve, or even that we can pull off another century at the top of the world. i imagined this was the natural life cycle of countries, kind of like how we don't care about portugal anymore (sorry, portugal). i hadn't really thought that this was a mindset we choose, and that if we collectively decide something different than something different will be true. not sure if this isn't an even more narcissistic view, but if anyone should have the "america can and always will be best," it should be our president.

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things." --(1 corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.") i was happy i recognized the scripture, although i could not place it. i love this attitude. trying to grow up myself, i am eager to see how america handles its transition from adolescent to adult. what a time to live here!

"Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life...This is the journey we continue today." --i tried to think about how me sitting in a cubicle and typing perl code for hours a day could make life better for the generations to come, and the first answer i could come up with is i must do it better, with more heart and more meaning and more devotion. the next answer i came up with is that i need to find the place where i will be excited to struggle and sacrifice and work and think ahead and show my love for the americans not yet born. where can i make this impact? what am i meant to contribute? i am sitting too easy right now.

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions...Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done...What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them" --i love this!

"But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old." --at this moment it hit me why i liked this inauguration so much - it was like a political General Conference, a chance for the rest of the country to feel the feelings of unity and togetherness and coming together that my lds friends and i get to experience twice a year. a world leader broadcasting an inspiring speech encouraging us to be better than we are. the whole world watching at exactly the same moment, many gathering around the speaker himself but most gathering where they are, the millions of remote locations symbolic of the reach and diversity of our community. afterwards we all have something in common that we can discuss, and we'll share our favorite parts and comment on each other's favorite parts, and we can quote pieces from it later and everyone will no what you're talking about without you having to explain. just like church! it's perfect. i loved that curiosity was included on this list.

i remember at graduation kristen asked if i didn't seem more fragile than before, like all of the stress and the changes made it much easier to cry, even if i wasn't particularly sad. i didn't understand then, but over the past few months i've grown to understand what she meant. my reaction was just delayed - i've been more fragile since moving out on my own, and it doesn't take much for me to start shedding tears. because of this, i'm glad that in the end i didn't watch the inauguration with all of my new coworkers, as i could cry freely alone in my car.

after obama's speech was over the radio station began playing commercials, so i switched back to the previous station to hear the poet and the prayer. the angry man was still angry, and while i appreciated that he didn't talk directly over any of the speakers, his sarcastic commentary almost ruined everything that was said. i got angrier and angrier at his cynicism as i drove back to my original spot, and as i was turning off the car he went to commercial and mentioned his name: rush limbaugh. it suddenly all made a lot more sense, and while i was still upset with him, at least it served as a good reminder that political fanaticism too far to any one side tears people down and ruins any feelings of unity.

at some point during the speech i thought of dick cheney in a wheelchair and had a shudder as i thought of what could have happened if mccain had been elected. i tried to imagine the worst case scenario, and sarah palin stepping in and trying to deliver a speech that would need to calm our nation, soothe fears in all parties, and gain the trust of republicans and democrats alike. i like to think that she might have surprised us all, and wouldn't that have been a great story. even so, i'm glad she won't have that opportunity.

and so! my first inauguration day. i guess technically my sixth. but in truth, my first. i am so excited for america, and at the same time worried for obama. there are a lot of people that think he is all hype, and will be eager, if not happy, to see him fail. i'll try my best to do my part, mr. president, to make you look good.

my favorite part, i think, of the entire ceremony was when the naval chorus(?) sang the star spangled banner. i was listening to rush at that point, and he was silent during the entire hymn. it made me realize that there are some things that both sides have in common, and those things are the best things: patriotism, respect for country, love for our history. it makes it easier to like the other side, i think, if you remember that they're trying to achieve the same goal you are, and they love the same country you love.