my wildflowers celebrated earth day by sprouting last night!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
you have never talked to a mere mortal
"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would strongly be tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.
Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn: We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption...Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses."
— C.S. Lewis (The Weight of Glory)
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.
Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn: We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption...Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses."
— C.S. Lewis (The Weight of Glory)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
eww
night 2 of 2 where i fall asleep on the middle seat of my couch with my computer, the tv, and three lights on and my contacts in, wake up around 4am and realize i really need to brush my teeth. at least the tv isn't blaring this time...i guess that counts as learning from your mistakes.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
on faith and fear
amy finds out today about most of her colleges, and i have to admit - the last week my stomach has been in knots. i can only imagine how she feels.
in fact, i can only imagine how she feels. i try to think back to before i was accepted to college, and i can't remember anything. was i scared? was i nervous? excited? apathetic? hopeful? pessimistic? i was rejected from yale early action, and while i'm sure i was hurt and sad, i just don't remember. the only evidence i have in my mind that i was worried is a memory of a random december night where i secretly tried to apply to BYU last minute, because travis had sent off his application in november and received an acceptance three weeks later. i didn't have an ACT score so i couldn't do it, but that really was the only reason it didn't happen.
when dad told me over the phone that amy didn't get into MIT and described the moment i almost started crying right there on melissa and alex's couch. it's ridiculous, really - other people have sisters who were hit by cars, who can't walk, who won't eat, who aren't ready for the baby they're having, who were ready for their baby but it died, who haven't been seen for years and years. what am i crying about? my sister has been accepted to some of the best colleges in the country. what the hell is wrong with our family when we're afraid amy might *have* to go to Berkeley or Rice?
the difference, of course, between these hypothetical sisters and amy is that amy is *my* sister, and *my* sister was sitting at home hurting. obviously i wasn't sad amy didn't get into MIT specifically (i'm not convinced one bit MIT is a good place to go to be happy), but i was heartbroken that she might be sad.
i feel 100% at fault for all the anticipation and excitement my family has built up to today. somehow, over the course of the past 4 years, i've forgotten what a fluke it was that i was accepted to the places i was, and i've been talking about going to college in cambridge like it's normal. the only reason (ONLY reason) i was accepted to harvard was because i was supposed to go there then, meet those people and have those experiences. looking at the applicant pool 5 years ago and the applicant pool now, i sometimes think there's no way i'd get in again. there are ten thousand - TEN THOUSAND - more kids applying now than applied in 2003. out of that TEN THOUSAND there has to be at LEAST one hundred (a conservative estimate for sure) that would be more qualified than my high school self to go to a place like harvard. it doesn't even take a hundred. it only takes one.
but then i remember how i got in in the first place. it wasn't my lack of national level achievements. it wasn't my inspiring story of growing up comfortable and white. it certainly wasn't my mediocre bassoon tape of an audition piece that wasn't even good enough to get into all-southern. it was, i truly believe, the hand of God guiding the admission's officers hand away from his first-instinct "no" pile, the voice of God whispering in his ear, "give this girl another look. she's going to need this place." and if that's the case, maybe i'd have a shot in this new pool - i'd be just as unqualified in a group of 30,000 as i was in a group of 20,000. if God wanted me at harvard, no statistics game is going to stop him.
and if that's the case, i have no business worrying about where amy will be accepted to school. there's no way God would put me exactly where i needed to be and then leave amy hanging, especially after all the hard work she's been putting in since kindergarten and all the effort she spent on her applications.
"Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time." it can only be one or the other.
whether zero or five, the number of cheerful emails my sister gets today doesn't matter. nothing changes the facts: amy is the kindest, happiest, most optimistic, most hopeful person i know. she absolutely loves her life and the people in it. she is lucky and she knows it. more importantly, she appreciates it. she is SO intelligent and she excels because she works hard. she is going to have an amazing college experience and come out of it armed with the relationships and experiences she needs to make her mark on the world. i am so grateful to be a part of her life. when i count my blessings she counts 5 times.
in fact, i can only imagine how she feels. i try to think back to before i was accepted to college, and i can't remember anything. was i scared? was i nervous? excited? apathetic? hopeful? pessimistic? i was rejected from yale early action, and while i'm sure i was hurt and sad, i just don't remember. the only evidence i have in my mind that i was worried is a memory of a random december night where i secretly tried to apply to BYU last minute, because travis had sent off his application in november and received an acceptance three weeks later. i didn't have an ACT score so i couldn't do it, but that really was the only reason it didn't happen.
when dad told me over the phone that amy didn't get into MIT and described the moment i almost started crying right there on melissa and alex's couch. it's ridiculous, really - other people have sisters who were hit by cars, who can't walk, who won't eat, who aren't ready for the baby they're having, who were ready for their baby but it died, who haven't been seen for years and years. what am i crying about? my sister has been accepted to some of the best colleges in the country. what the hell is wrong with our family when we're afraid amy might *have* to go to Berkeley or Rice?
the difference, of course, between these hypothetical sisters and amy is that amy is *my* sister, and *my* sister was sitting at home hurting. obviously i wasn't sad amy didn't get into MIT specifically (i'm not convinced one bit MIT is a good place to go to be happy), but i was heartbroken that she might be sad.
i feel 100% at fault for all the anticipation and excitement my family has built up to today. somehow, over the course of the past 4 years, i've forgotten what a fluke it was that i was accepted to the places i was, and i've been talking about going to college in cambridge like it's normal. the only reason (ONLY reason) i was accepted to harvard was because i was supposed to go there then, meet those people and have those experiences. looking at the applicant pool 5 years ago and the applicant pool now, i sometimes think there's no way i'd get in again. there are ten thousand - TEN THOUSAND - more kids applying now than applied in 2003. out of that TEN THOUSAND there has to be at LEAST one hundred (a conservative estimate for sure) that would be more qualified than my high school self to go to a place like harvard. it doesn't even take a hundred. it only takes one.
but then i remember how i got in in the first place. it wasn't my lack of national level achievements. it wasn't my inspiring story of growing up comfortable and white. it certainly wasn't my mediocre bassoon tape of an audition piece that wasn't even good enough to get into all-southern. it was, i truly believe, the hand of God guiding the admission's officers hand away from his first-instinct "no" pile, the voice of God whispering in his ear, "give this girl another look. she's going to need this place." and if that's the case, maybe i'd have a shot in this new pool - i'd be just as unqualified in a group of 30,000 as i was in a group of 20,000. if God wanted me at harvard, no statistics game is going to stop him.
and if that's the case, i have no business worrying about where amy will be accepted to school. there's no way God would put me exactly where i needed to be and then leave amy hanging, especially after all the hard work she's been putting in since kindergarten and all the effort she spent on her applications.
"Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time." it can only be one or the other.
whether zero or five, the number of cheerful emails my sister gets today doesn't matter. nothing changes the facts: amy is the kindest, happiest, most optimistic, most hopeful person i know. she absolutely loves her life and the people in it. she is lucky and she knows it. more importantly, she appreciates it. she is SO intelligent and she excels because she works hard. she is going to have an amazing college experience and come out of it armed with the relationships and experiences she needs to make her mark on the world. i am so grateful to be a part of her life. when i count my blessings she counts 5 times.
Monday, March 2, 2009
didn't want to forget
just remembered that we had late christmas this year, that i stayed up wayyy too late reading and didn't set an alarm, that amy woke up at 7 (or earlier?) and waited for me to come and get her but i didn't, so then she fell asleep, that i woke up at 9 and uncle ira and maybe dad were already awake, wondering what was wrong with us, that we didn't watch the muppet christmas carol before opening presents and amy had to separate the presents by herself, that nikki2 loved late christmas, just like she would have loved early christmas, that amy complained all day about how late christmas upset the whole schedule, that i felt so well-rested, and that i couldn't stop giggling the entire day, and i didn't want to forget, so i am writing it out here. amy, please help fill in any gaps i missed.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
40 days and 40 nights
i have been wanting a calling in church for weeks now, and on sunday i finally got one - actually two! the first is assistant to the executive secretary, which i didn't even know was a calling open to girls. the second is much more interesting - coordinator/ward cheerleader for our Bishop's newest crazy idea: Lent!
mormons don't usually celebrate Lent, so it's very weird for Bishop O. to suggest we do this. but after spending two days reading up on Lent and composing an email that i hope was encouraging and interesting, i am SO EXCITED. instead of giving something up, the Bishop has asked all of us to set three types of goals:
1. a daily goal that strengthens personal spirituality
2. weekly goals to reach out and serve others
3. a long-term goal to be worked on lent-long
i haven't decided exactly what i'm going to work towards yet, but i have imagined what it will be like if everyone buys in and takes this seriously. with our entire ward working, really working to be better people for a concentrated 40 days, we have the power to become such a tremendous force for good here in Boston. not just a city on a hill, this is going to be a city visible from space.
it really is the perfect calling - counted today, and i have exactly 40 days and 40 nights left in massachusetts. going to make them count.
mormons don't usually celebrate Lent, so it's very weird for Bishop O. to suggest we do this. but after spending two days reading up on Lent and composing an email that i hope was encouraging and interesting, i am SO EXCITED. instead of giving something up, the Bishop has asked all of us to set three types of goals:
1. a daily goal that strengthens personal spirituality
2. weekly goals to reach out and serve others
3. a long-term goal to be worked on lent-long
i haven't decided exactly what i'm going to work towards yet, but i have imagined what it will be like if everyone buys in and takes this seriously. with our entire ward working, really working to be better people for a concentrated 40 days, we have the power to become such a tremendous force for good here in Boston. not just a city on a hill, this is going to be a city visible from space.
it really is the perfect calling - counted today, and i have exactly 40 days and 40 nights left in massachusetts. going to make them count.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
fair harvard holds sway
in general, i really like being an alum. i love the extra time, i love being considered an adult, i love being able to pay for things, i love having my evenings and weekends free to meet up with my other alumni friends, i love how being apart makes our time together that much more special, i love buying my own food, i love having the time and freedom to read whatever i want.
there have been two times, though, living back here in massachusetts when i've really missed being in school:
the second was this past friday. the activity that 2 friends and i were going to fell through, so the three of us drove planless towards cambridge, figuring something would come up. after searching unsuccessfully for parking for 15 minutes we gave up and parked at the church. eric had access to the science center observatory, so we went up there. two other randos came into the observatory and we pooled all of our collective knowledge to get a fuzzy image of a random star (which was actually awesome - it was blue and green and purple and looked like the little animations you might see on a website about unstable isotopes, glowing and moving all around). then a random older guy came in and took over, telling us we had found sirius, the brightest start in the sky, and we could tell because sirius is orion's hunting dog, and he follows the hunter's feet across the sky every night. he then focused the telescope on five or six stars in the orion nebula and talked to us about mormons he knew when he was at school. as we were leaving the science center we ran into chad, who took us to a refreshment table at science center B for an event he had just missed, where we spent an hour munching and meeting people, including a guy who had stefan fly out to be an usher in his wedding two months ago. aww! then the four of us walked to kirkland house and joined cam and maryn to make their date less(??) awkward, and the 6 of us watched Bride and Prejudice in a random basement seminar room that had an awesome flatscreen tv. as i was walking back after midnight to my car at the church i realized that this kind of thing happened all the time while i was in school (i'll go here but then i'll see them and go there and we'll end up over here) and happens NEVER in my normal life now. everything is planned, and there's no way to run into people randomly, and i'm hardly ever surprised where i end up at the end of the night compared to what i was expecting at the beginning.
the first was my first sunday back - there was a big snowstorm and church in cambridge was truncated to 1 hour. it was soooo much fun to see all of my friends, and there was a baptism for a new guy peter at 3:30 so we all stayed and it was wonderful and i was so happy. 4:00 all of the harvard kids dispersed with plans to meet in annenberg for dinner (it was reading period) at 6. great! i can't remember why, but i was stalled a bit leaving the church, and when i got outside everyone had already left for their different houses. it hit me then that i had nowhere to go. i didn't have a room and i didn't have a bed and i didn't have a dining hall and i didn't have roommates and i didn't have a tv playing gilmore girls and a futon to sit on and a coffee table to put my feet on and a pomegranate to avoid and a microwave to close and i didn't have a home here. i kind of stood there on the sidewalk for a minute or two trying to figure out what to do now, embarrassed that i was an outsider in a place where i had once so entirely belonged. i eventually called emily, sat on her floor, read magazines for a long time, caught up on all of the news of my friends, and ate in pfoho, where i saw chad for the first time in 2 and a half years and morgan, alex, and celeste came and it was sundae sunday and we all had a great meal. i loved being able to sit there and enjoy my friends as long as i wanted because i didn't have reading to finish or psets to do, and i loved being with that group of people and having some of the best memories of sophomore year flooding back again, but all of those great things came with a price: it was that day, 7 months late, that graduation finally sunk in.
there have been two times, though, living back here in massachusetts when i've really missed being in school:
the second was this past friday. the activity that 2 friends and i were going to fell through, so the three of us drove planless towards cambridge, figuring something would come up. after searching unsuccessfully for parking for 15 minutes we gave up and parked at the church. eric had access to the science center observatory, so we went up there. two other randos came into the observatory and we pooled all of our collective knowledge to get a fuzzy image of a random star (which was actually awesome - it was blue and green and purple and looked like the little animations you might see on a website about unstable isotopes, glowing and moving all around). then a random older guy came in and took over, telling us we had found sirius, the brightest start in the sky, and we could tell because sirius is orion's hunting dog, and he follows the hunter's feet across the sky every night. he then focused the telescope on five or six stars in the orion nebula and talked to us about mormons he knew when he was at school. as we were leaving the science center we ran into chad, who took us to a refreshment table at science center B for an event he had just missed, where we spent an hour munching and meeting people, including a guy who had stefan fly out to be an usher in his wedding two months ago. aww! then the four of us walked to kirkland house and joined cam and maryn to make their date less(??) awkward, and the 6 of us watched Bride and Prejudice in a random basement seminar room that had an awesome flatscreen tv. as i was walking back after midnight to my car at the church i realized that this kind of thing happened all the time while i was in school (i'll go here but then i'll see them and go there and we'll end up over here) and happens NEVER in my normal life now. everything is planned, and there's no way to run into people randomly, and i'm hardly ever surprised where i end up at the end of the night compared to what i was expecting at the beginning.
the first was my first sunday back - there was a big snowstorm and church in cambridge was truncated to 1 hour. it was soooo much fun to see all of my friends, and there was a baptism for a new guy peter at 3:30 so we all stayed and it was wonderful and i was so happy. 4:00 all of the harvard kids dispersed with plans to meet in annenberg for dinner (it was reading period) at 6. great! i can't remember why, but i was stalled a bit leaving the church, and when i got outside everyone had already left for their different houses. it hit me then that i had nowhere to go. i didn't have a room and i didn't have a bed and i didn't have a dining hall and i didn't have roommates and i didn't have a tv playing gilmore girls and a futon to sit on and a coffee table to put my feet on and a pomegranate to avoid and a microwave to close and i didn't have a home here. i kind of stood there on the sidewalk for a minute or two trying to figure out what to do now, embarrassed that i was an outsider in a place where i had once so entirely belonged. i eventually called emily, sat on her floor, read magazines for a long time, caught up on all of the news of my friends, and ate in pfoho, where i saw chad for the first time in 2 and a half years and morgan, alex, and celeste came and it was sundae sunday and we all had a great meal. i loved being able to sit there and enjoy my friends as long as i wanted because i didn't have reading to finish or psets to do, and i loved being with that group of people and having some of the best memories of sophomore year flooding back again, but all of those great things came with a price: it was that day, 7 months late, that graduation finally sunk in.
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