on faith and fear

amy finds out today about most of her colleges, and i have to admit - the last week my stomach has been in knots. i can only imagine how she feels.

in fact, i can only imagine how she feels. i try to think back to before i was accepted to college, and i can't remember anything. was i scared? was i nervous? excited? apathetic? hopeful? pessimistic? i was rejected from yale early action, and while i'm sure i was hurt and sad, i just don't remember. the only evidence i have in my mind that i was worried is a memory of a random december night where i secretly tried to apply to BYU last minute, because travis had sent off his application in november and received an acceptance three weeks later. i didn't have an ACT score so i couldn't do it, but that really was the only reason it didn't happen.

when dad told me over the phone that amy didn't get into MIT and described the moment i almost started crying right there on melissa and alex's couch. it's ridiculous, really - other people have sisters who were hit by cars, who can't walk, who won't eat, who aren't ready for the baby they're having, who were ready for their baby but it died, who haven't been seen for years and years. what am i crying about? my sister has been accepted to some of the best colleges in the country. what the hell is wrong with our family when we're afraid amy might *have* to go to Berkeley or Rice?

the difference, of course, between these hypothetical sisters and amy is that amy is *my* sister, and *my* sister was sitting at home hurting. obviously i wasn't sad amy didn't get into MIT specifically (i'm not convinced one bit MIT is a good place to go to be happy), but i was heartbroken that she might be sad.

i feel 100% at fault for all the anticipation and excitement my family has built up to today. somehow, over the course of the past 4 years, i've forgotten what a fluke it was that i was accepted to the places i was, and i've been talking about going to college in cambridge like it's normal. the only reason (ONLY reason) i was accepted to harvard was because i was supposed to go there then, meet those people and have those experiences. looking at the applicant pool 5 years ago and the applicant pool now, i sometimes think there's no way i'd get in again. there are ten thousand - TEN THOUSAND - more kids applying now than applied in 2003. out of that TEN THOUSAND there has to be at LEAST one hundred (a conservative estimate for sure) that would be more qualified than my high school self to go to a place like harvard. it doesn't even take a hundred. it only takes one.

but then i remember how i got in in the first place. it wasn't my lack of national level achievements. it wasn't my inspiring story of growing up comfortable and white. it certainly wasn't my mediocre bassoon tape of an audition piece that wasn't even good enough to get into all-southern. it was, i truly believe, the hand of God guiding the admission's officers hand away from his first-instinct "no" pile, the voice of God whispering in his ear, "give this girl another look. she's going to need this place." and if that's the case, maybe i'd have a shot in this new pool - i'd be just as unqualified in a group of 30,000 as i was in a group of 20,000. if God wanted me at harvard, no statistics game is going to stop him.

and if that's the case, i have no business worrying about where amy will be accepted to school. there's no way God would put me exactly where i needed to be and then leave amy hanging, especially after all the hard work she's been putting in since kindergarten and all the effort she spent on her applications.

"Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time." it can only be one or the other.

whether zero or five, the number of cheerful emails my sister gets today doesn't matter. nothing changes the facts: amy is the kindest, happiest, most optimistic, most hopeful person i know. she absolutely loves her life and the people in it. she is lucky and she knows it. more importantly, she appreciates it. she is SO intelligent and she excels because she works hard. she is going to have an amazing college experience and come out of it armed with the relationships and experiences she needs to make her mark on the world. i am so grateful to be a part of her life. when i count my blessings she counts 5 times.

didn't want to forget

just remembered that we had late christmas this year, that i stayed up wayyy too late reading and didn't set an alarm, that amy woke up at 7 (or earlier?) and waited for me to come and get her but i didn't, so then she fell asleep, that i woke up at 9 and uncle ira and maybe dad were already awake, wondering what was wrong with us, that we didn't watch the muppet christmas carol before opening presents and amy had to separate the presents by herself, that nikki2 loved late christmas, just like she would have loved early christmas, that amy complained all day about how late christmas upset the whole schedule, that i felt so well-rested, and that i couldn't stop giggling the entire day, and i didn't want to forget, so i am writing it out here. amy, please help fill in any gaps i missed.